


when the party's over (i'll call you)

by fivesumbrella



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Clint is An Asshole, Flashbacks, Gen, Happy Ending, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Humor, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Whump, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nightmares, Odin's A+ Parenting, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Thor (Marvel), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Torture, Whump, and sad, but its because he's sad and in denial, this is going to be l o n g
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 14:45:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18573640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesumbrella/pseuds/fivesumbrella
Summary: In which Odin's punishment for Loki is different than anyone would have expected, and now the damaged and tortured demigod has to live with the people who he lost someone else's battle to.Aka me trying to not focus on endgame and writing a fic in which everyone deals with their issues and the avengers & Loki become a family :)





	1. Half of me (had disappeared)

**Author's Note:**

> this is what happens when you listen to The Neighborhood while writing ; a shit ton of bitterness and angst.
> 
> this is inspired by MANY similar stories so yeah, i ain't original wbk
> 
> English is not my first language so my apologies for any mistakes :)
> 
> I'll try to upload as fast as I can.

 

 

 

People like Barton had it easy. Mind control was plain and simple, it's clear that your actions aren't yours when you're under its influence. Is it a pleasant experience? Loki would guess no. But it was simple and it was something even somebody like Clint Barton could wrap their heads around if they tried.

Manipulation was something else. It had you doubting your motives, your true feelings and your own sanity.

It crawled into your mind, filling out all the free spaces with deep red liquid ; hatred, doubts and the choking feeling of loneliness in your throat.

Because Loki knew he wasn't crazy, but it was hard to be sure when you don't know who's thoughts you're thinking, and is it really you who's feeling it, or is it just a cruel game played on his mind by some unkown force?

Or, did you really want your own brother dead?

Want all those people dead?

Should the blood on his hands keep him up at night if he did?

Oh yeah, it was night, the darkness filling the room like grey fog, and the only light his eyes could find was the orange light of his cell's wall.

It was silent, only the slight snoring of one of his neighbours could be heard.

His fingers danced on the night stand.

The silence was making him go crazy. But he couldn't fall asleep, he physically felt the nightmares approaching, creeping up behind him, when he wasn't looking, towering over him, amd pushing him down into the mattress.

(("Please!" He asked, but there was no mercy under the hands of the Mad Titan.

Loki choked on his blood.

"I'll do it."))

  
He ran a shaking hand through his hair, amd took a shuddering breath.

It will be tomorrow, he thought, that Odin will decide his punishment.

He felt his nails dig into his palms.

Odin didn't have the right to decide any of his life, he wasn't his father, nor was he his king.

Not anymore.

He grimaced bitterly. There was a high probability that this was his last night in this world.

He liked that thought.

  
...

 

"Gather around, people of Asgard! The time has come, when the guilty shall meet his punishment!"

Thor couldn't see who was the one speaking in the harsh sunlight, but the man's voice was overly cheerful for someone who is probably about to witness an execution. Or worse.

Ha glanced at his mother, looking for some kind of reassurment, that it's gonna be okay, but she was staring at the wooden floor, trying to avoid meeting anyone's eyes.

The three of them were on a large podium. Odin in the middle in a richly decorated golden throne. To his left, his mother and to his right, sat Thor on a silver chair.

Thor has always feared that Loki would die at the hands of someone else. His brother had always had a sharp tongue, and was never afraid of using it, so the idea of someone having enough of Loki and murdering him just came naturally.

(Thor had often played with the idea of him commiting said murder.)

But never like this. Not at the hands of his father and not in front of all these people.

He also never thought that he would be capable of feeling disgust as he looked at his brother.

People change.

The man in question was standing just a few yards away from Thor, clenching his jaw. He shot a disgusted look at the crowd that was forming behind them.

Suddenly, Odin stood up, and the people went silent, only faint whispers and laughter could be heard.

Thor felt sick to his stomach.

"I have decided the fate of my son, Loki."

Loki muttered something to himself, but Thor was too far away to hear it. He was clearly avoiding eye contact, too prideful to look up at them.

"Loki, would you step closer?" Odin asked.

Loki shot him a lazy look and stayed still.

Seeing that, the guards grabbed his arms and pushed him forward roughly.

He didn't know why, but Thor felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of that.

Loki stepped forward to keep his balance and then turned his hand, opened his arms and chuckled loudly.

"Here I am. It's okay, you can sit down now, old man." He said and looked Odin in the eye. "At your age it's completely normal to have knee problems."

Thor wanted to snort in laughter, but there was no humour in the situation.

He heard a disapproving noise from the crowd and Odin pursed his lips. "You should speak with more respect considering how much of a light punishment I have chosen for you, my son."

"Oh, you're gonna kill me?" He asked. "Thank God."

Odin stared at him and Thor just wanted to roll his eyes. It wasn't the time for jokes.

Odin decided to ignore the comment and continued. "As you have misused your power and harmed innocent beings, you will be sent to Midgard and be stripped of your magic."

Wait, what?

His brother actually looked panicked for a moment then he just simply scoffed. "Oh, you will send me back to the planet I had just almost destroyed, how smart."

"Not any part of Midgard, Loki." Odin said patiently. "You will live with the Avengers Team."

Thor glanced at his father. He felt like his mother had a big hand in this decision, considering how Odin liked to punish people more.. severely.

"That's absurd-" his brother protested but Odin raised his hand to silence him.

"Guards, take him away!"

Thor watched his handcuffed brother being forced to walk back to the castle with worry in his eyes.

  
...

 

  
Everything hurt.

His head was pounding, and it echoed with his own broken screams.

He wanted to beg, to cry, to scream and demand to have his magic back.

Even if that would do any good, he couldn't. He felt drained, and his body felt paralysed.

He felt drained of power, emotions, and everything that was him. He didn't feel the slight tingling under his skin anymore.

There was dull pain everywhere in his body, but nowhere, deep inside him and pressing against his skin.

His mind felt like the surface of pond, the calmness of it so fragile, that a snap of a hand could break it.

And although it seemed clear and safe, under the silver lining of it, deep down, there were shadows so dark, you can only wish you'll never see.

Loki coughed, and brought a shaking hand to his mouth.

He stared at the warm, crimson red blood on his fingertips.

He didn't want to be alive anymore.

Just as he thought that, he heard a sparkling noise beside his bed, and a dim green light shone on the white walls of his cell.

He didn't need to glance over to know it was Frigga.

"Loki" her voice of genuine concern caressed his ears, and he shivered.

He hated being pitied.

He couldn't help but look over at his mother.

His mother was standing next to his bed, eyeing him worriedly.

Loki couldn't bring himself to care.

"What brings you here, mother?" Loki asked, his voice weaker than he wanted it to be, but he kept his chin up pridefully nonetheless.

"I just wanted to say goodbye." Frigga said, emotion thick in her voice.

"Farewell, then, _mother_."

She stayed silent, and stepped closer, and Loki felt her soft hands in his sweaty hair.

"Are you okay, my son?"

Loki grabbed her hand, and gently pushed it away. "Don't touch me" he spat.

Frigga stepped back with a struck expression on her face. "Okay" she whispered. "Goodbye, Loki."

The green light glowed again, then a second later, it was gone.

Loki went back to staring at the cieling with a bitter taste in his mouth.

  
...

 

Natasha was good at reading people. She could see right through them if she wanted to.

She was forced to learn it in Russia, and while the other recruits struggled with it, she was a natural. Telling if someone was angry, afraid or lying came as naturally to her as breathing, and they required no serious effort. And then Shield taught her how to use her abilities on the right side of the law.

But this time, when a northern god and his brother who just caused literal genocide 3 weeks prior, she didn't need any special talent to know that something has changed.

Natasha knew everybody was more concerned about why he was in Tony Stark's tower, but Natasha couldn't bring herself to listen to the conversation around her. She kept staring at raven haired god.

The last time he saw him, he was wearing a twisted smile and his eyes were vibrant blue, creating a sharp contrast with his pitch black hair. He remembered seeing pure evil lurk behind those eyes.

Their eyes met for a second, and Loki instantly looked down.

That was unlike him.

Natasha didn't remember the god being this pale. His skin was sickly white with a shade of green undertone, with almost black circles under his eyes.

She only saw his eyes for a split second, but Natasha could never miss the haunted look in them, like a wild wounded animal, he looked.

It's not like she had simpathy for the murderer. God, she hoped he _suffered_. For what he did to Clint.

Natasha's was snapped out of her thoughts by a loud cry.

"What?!" The source, Tony's voice echoed through the living room. "You want your brother to live with us?"

Thor pulled a small smile apologetically. "Well, it isn't me who made the decision, it was the Allfather's punishment for Loki."

"And what- who is that? Some kind of God you worship?" Asked Stark.

"No. He is our father, Odin." Thor stated and Loki licked his lips, as if he was about to say something, but he kept quiet.

"Oh, yeah, you are the gods." Tony murmured to himself.

Surprisingly, it was Bruce Banner who spoke up. "And, if you don't mind me asking, what if we don't take him in?"

Indeed, Loki was not a relaxing person to be around, and with the Hulk living there, that was anything but ideal.

Thor paused. "I think this idea was mainly my mother's, and my father likes to be — stricter with his punishments."

Loki's stomach turned at tge mention of his father — not father. He stopped myself from letting out a scowl.

Thor didn't know anything.

Stark looked at Thor. "What do you mean?"

Thor swallowed pathetically, as if his words physically burdened him. "Execution."

The mortals around him seemed taken aback, the only one who seemed indifferent was Agent Barton, who had been glaring at him throughout the whole conversation.

Loki cleared his throat. "By all means, feel free to refuse my brother's offer."

Clint narrowed his eyes. "So you can escape and try to destroy an other planet, nice try."

Loki raised his eyebrows. "Wouldn't dream of it, Mr. Barton."

That seemed to only anger Barton more, as he charged at him, and it was the Captain that held him back.

"You piece if shit!" Barton spat.

Loki looked at Thor. "This is clearly conflict of interest here, Thor. If you could just take me back and let Allfather do his worst—"

"I won't!" Thor protested, and looked at the Avengers. "If you could just please consider it.."

Loki shook his head in annoyance. Pathetic, his brother was begging to a bunch of mortals to spare him.

Bit this was no sparing him, this was sparing Thor and Frigga, Odin never did care about his fate or wether he lives or dies.

"Can we have a moment?" The Captain asked and Thor nodded instantly.

As the five if them walked out of the room, Thor leaned closer to him. "What are you doing?" He hissed.

"You're going to have to elaborate on that, brother." Loki replied casually.

"Why do you not want you to take you in?"

"I need not to be pitied, Thor, I have made my decisions, I must face the consequences." Loki stated.

"But that's _death_ , Loki, you couldn't possibly want that!" Thor raised his voice.

"Couldn't I?" Loki replied bluntly, and Thor blinked at him in surprise, then his expression hardened.

"Stop this!"

"Stop what, Thor? This is who I am now. A jotunn monster." He spat. "Go ahead and deny it, but we both knew the truth. I am not your bother and never will be."

Thor looked at Loki with dissappointment in his eyes. It were the same as Odin, yet, warmer, and staring at them hurt even more. "You were, once. Where is the boy who I went riding with, who helped me study, who learned magic tricks from our mother every afternoon, no matter how much he got teased for it?"

Loki's nails dug into his palm. "He grew up."

He's gone.

So is his magic.

"He realized that he was nothing in that damned palace, other than a spare, your shadow, made for nothing other than hide in the darkness while you shine in the limelight."

"Realized that he was born to rule, and if you're not going to give him that, he's going to get it himself, or rule the remaining ashes of a kingdom if he has to." He said.

Of course, that realisation wasn't exactly his to take credit for. Bit it didn't matter.

Thor looked at him mutely, horrified and hurt, like he had been struck.

"And you're never getting him back."

Loki felt a stab at his heart as Thor's eyes welled up with tears.

"What happened to you?" he whispered.

Loki resisted a flinch and turned away.

"What needed to happen" He answered, and he felt Thor's pitying eyes on him.

He felt disgusted. How dare Thor pretend to care about what happened to him, _pity_ him, like he was a some kind of helpless madman.

"What do you care?" He spit and looked Thor in the eye.

"I know you don't think so, but you are my brother. I love you."

"Ugh!" Loki pushed himself away from Thor. "Lies! You love me like the light loves its shadow. I'm just a nice contrast to your _brilliance_ , that's what you love, not me."

Before Thor could protest, the Avengers returned to the room. They both turned towards them.

Tony looked at Thor, then between them, but decided not to comment.

"We have made our decision." Rogers announced. "We agree."

 

 


	2. how can i sleep, if I don't have dreams?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically; loki 🤝 tony  
> having nightmares  
> & panic attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks and nightmares
> 
> okay so I've never had a panic attack, if I didn't describe it correctly, please, feel free to let me know.
> 
> I'm not exactly happy with this chapter because I had to write a scene 2 times for the sake of character development amd bonding and shit but I hate it.
> 
> also I tried to make the Tony & Loki bonding realistic not weird as hell, but I don't know if it worked, let me know.
> 
> Again english is not my first language so please do correct me if there are any mistakes in this.

Loki stared as the his brother pulled the Avengers into thankful hugs. He scratched his arms awkwardly, he felt uncomfortable, like he was watching a private moment, something unfamiliar to him.

Thor let out a free laugh. "Thank you, my friends. I hope I can repay you someday."

Rogers smiled. "You're welcome. How about we discuss the details and Tony will show Loki his room?" He offered and Thor nodded.

The two left, followed by Banner, Romanov and Barton.

Tony looked at him and sighed. "Okay, let's get this over with. Follow me."

Loki followed him to the elevator and watched the metal doors close before him.

"Listen, you maniac" Tony said, turning to him, eyes cold. "We allowed you to live with us to save Thor the pain, but if I ever see you trying to hurt anyone — if you even look at someone's direction the wrong way I won't hesitate to ship you right back to Asgard."

Loki raised his eyebrows. "Believe me, that's not my intention."

"Good." The lift's doors opened. "So, this is one of my interns' room, he is out of town right now, he'll be back in a few day, but you'll be staying here until your own room is finished."

Loki nodded mutely. The room was nothing like he had expected.

He expected a cage, a filthy cell with cold metal bars and a small window. It was nothing he wasn't used to, he was practically waiting to be cuffed since the moment he stepped through the portal that had brought him here.

But they were playing a different game, it seemed.

The walls of the room were painted pastel red with paintings and pictures all over them. There was a big, comfortable looking bed in the center of it, and a large window with a perfect view of the city. There was also a huge bookshelf on the left side of the room.

He guessed the amazement and surprise were clear on his face, because the next moment Tony patted him on the back. "Don't enjoy yourself too much, it's temporary." He said, distaste clear in his voice. "We'll be having dinner in about an hour."

With that, he left, and as Loki heard his footstep grow fainter he stepped into the room and towards the bookshelf.

He ran his fingers on the painted wood as he looked at the titles.

Most of them were about midgardian science, but there was one in particular that caught his attention. On the front it read 'Norse Mythology or Astronomy?' in gold curvy letters, and there was a drawing of a man, holding a hammer that looked exactly like his brother. Loki frowned and he looked at the author. Jane Foster.

Loki's hands clenched on the book. She was the one who ruined his plan, who changed Thor, wasn't she?

He took a shuddering breath and put the book down on his bed. He wasn't angry about that anymore, he knew, like the Titan said, it all served a higher purpose.

_(("I can feel your anger, my child."_

_Loki spat his blood at the Titan's face. "I'm not your child."_

_Thanos tilted his head. "You'll learn, one way or another."_

_He felt a hand on his throat.))_

Loki gasped holding his throat. Blood was thumping in his ears, his vision blurred and he was choking him, he couldn't breath, he—

"My apologies, Mr. Loki, but you seem to be in distress. Should I report this to to one of the Avengers?" He heard a voice from the ceiling.

"No!" Loki choked out, gripping the edge of the bookshelf, trying to hold himself up. "Who are you?"

"I'm Jarvis. I'm an Artificial Intelligence created by Tony Stark. I would recommend sitting down, you seem to be experiencing a panic attack." The voice replied, but Loki could hear it more and more distantly.

He waved, wheezing uncontrollably. "I'm fine." he slurred out, although he wasn't entirely sure if he was speaking at all.

He stumbled back against the bed and taking the strange voice's advice sat on it, trying and failing to catch his breath. He felt a tear fall down his cheek.

He blinked, but he couldn't see anything clearly, and he felt his eyes unfocus even more. He could physically feel his heart thumping against his chest.

He couldn't breath, he couldn't, he was dying, he was dying, he was dying, he was dying—

"I strongly advise you to breathe" said the voice.

It took everything in Loki to focus and he wheezed out a breath and inhaled.

He wiped his face with the back of his hand as the rising and falling of his chest started to even out.

Loki felt like his eyelids were starting to get heavier and heavier, and he couldn't open them anymore.

The last thing he saw was the cieling if his room and the world turned black.

  
...

 

"Pizza's here!" Tony called out, stepping into the dining room with 8 freshly baked pizzas in his arms.

"Finally!" Clint exclaimed and snatched a box right from his hand and walked towards the elevator.

Tony put down the boxes, and yelled after Clint. "I payed for that, so you'll be staying. We'll all be eating together."

"Since when are you a housewife?" Clint asked.

Tony shot him a glare.

Natasha, who was sitting at the table chuckled slightly.

"Oh come on, do I really have to have dinner with that psycho?" Clint complained.

"Stop whining and sit your ass down, Clint." Natasha said, smiling.

"Speaking of Loki, I sent Steve to tell him that we're having dinner about 10 minutes ago, should we check if he's okay?" Tony asked. He filled his glass with an vodka.

He didn't miss the disapproving look Natasha was giving him.

She sighed. "I think he can handle himself, besides Thor said that Loki isn't that much of a threat now."

"I'm having a hard time believing that. And Thor isn't here anymore either." Clint stated. "Let's go check on him."

Tony agreed.

  
He didn't know what they expected to find, Tony was pretty sure Barton had a hand on his gun the whole elevator ride, but Loki and Steve sitting on the bed, with Steve's hand on Loki's shoulder was not one of them.

Tony scratched the back of his head awkwardly, then cleared his throat. Both Steve amd Loki snapped their heads up instantly.

"Sorry to interrupt your heartfelt conversation or whatever, but pizza's here."

Steve removed his hand from Loki's back and stood up.

Loki did not do the same. "Am I expected to attend this?"

"Yes" Tony said. He crossed his arms, not really knowing what to do with them.

"I'll be there in a minute." Loki said as Steve stepped out of the room, dragging the still staring Tony with him.

"What the hell was that?" Clint asked, clenching his fists.

Tony was honestly planning on asking the same question.

Steve looked at him and hesitated. "I think we should look at the footage."

"Okay, but pizza first."

...

  
Clint physically felt the anger boiling inside him as he looked at the man sitting across him, eating pizza calmly, as if he hadn't just killed thousands of people.

He stabbed his pizza with his fork, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"So, Loki." Clint asked with fake curiosity. "What are your plans for this little vacation? Another alien invasion?"

He felt Natasha kick him under the table. "Clint!"

Loki straightened. "I have no such things planned. This wasn't any of my plans.

Clint scoffed. "And you expect me to believe that."

Clint could practically feel Natasha's glare on him.

"Even if I had wanted to do so, I have no power anymore. I don't have the scepter nor the tesseract. I'm not some-"

"Why don't we change topics, huh?" Asked Tony, in a desperate attempt to brighten the mood.

Loki looked up at him, almost thankful that he didn't get to finish his sentence.

"Good idea" Steve said awkwardly and cleared his throat. "So we came up with some basic ground rules." He glanced at Loki. "Firstly, don't — under any circumstances — leave this tower."

That was reasonable. He felt like the second he would step out of the building he would be attacked, and now without his magic, he wasn't sure if he could protect himself.

"No weapons, or anything that can be made into a weapon."

_(("Anything can be a weapon, Asgardian."_

_He felt claws brushing through his sweaty hair._

_"Even you."))_

Loki resisted a flinch as the memory shot through him. He forced himself to nod.

"Okay so this one should be obvious, but don't attack anyone. Verbally or physically."

Loki stared at him. "Define 'attack'."

Steve looked at him, but chose to ignore his comment instead. "We'll probably come up with more but I guess that's it for now."

Tony held his finger up. "And most importantly" he leaned closer. "Never touch my booze."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

  
...

 

Steve watched as Tony pulled up the footage on the holographic screen. He swallowed thickly. The panicked look in Loki's red eyes and the tears tracks on his face was still clear in his memory.

The camera showed nothing but the empty room.

"Jarvis, fast forward 4 hours." Tony ordered.

Loki was passed out on the bed.

"No, go back to about 12 minutes before this!"

The footage showed Loki walking into the room, looking around. His eyes settled on the bookshelf and stepped closer to it.

"Has it got sound?"

Tony glanced at him with a smirk. "Who do you think I am? Of course it does."

Steve kept his eyes fixed on the screen. Loki picked a book from the shelf, and picked it up to look at it. His hands clenched on the book, breaking its cover with his fingers.

Suddenly, the book fell from his hands and hit the floor with a loud thump. Loki gripped his throat, eyes wide, as if he couldn't breathe.

He heard Tony's heavy breathing beside him, and as he glanced at the genius, he noticed that his expression was similar to Loki's.

He looked back at the footage as he heard Jarvis's voice. "My apologies, Mr. Loki, but you seem to be in distress. Should I report this to to one of the Avengers?"

No!" Loki's voice sounded broken and out of breath "Who are you?" He choked out.

Steve noticed that Loki's knees started shaking and he looked panicked.

"I'm Jarvis. I'm an Artificial Intelligence created by Tony Stark. I would recommend sitting down, you seem to be experiencing a severe anxiety attack."

Tony flinched beside him. Steve couldn't ignore that. "Are you.. alright?"

Tony nodded and Steve didn't miss that his hands were shaking. "I am.. I just have to go— I have this meeting.. Uh, bye!"

Tony was out of the room before Steve could stop him. Tony didn't look like a person who wants to be chased after, do he turned back to look at the screen. The familiar scene of Loki passed out on the bed greeted him again.

"Thank you, Jarvis."

"You're welcome, Mr. Rogers."

He picked up his coat and left.

  
...

_Loki's chains clattered as he was forced to step forward. He could feel the blood trickling down his wrist as the metal cuffs brushed against his skin._

_"I've been told of your potential." The Thanos's deep voice echoad through the dark room._

_Or was it a room, Loki almost couldn't tell. The emptiness of space bit his skin, and the distant stars and planets were the only light in the place. But he, in a way he couldn't explain, knew that it had an end and walls._

_Ebony Maw nodded beside him. "Although, he resisted to cooperate, my lord."_

_Thanos chuckled lightly. "I can see that."_

_Loki could still taste the blood in his mouth._

_Thanos stepped closer and looked down at Loki. "Kneel."_

_Loki met the Titan's eyes. "I will not—"_

_Ebony Maw flicked his fingers and Loki felt his legs buckle under him._

_Thanos roughly yanked his hair, forcing the boy's chin up._

_Loki felt his heart race, but fought against Thanos' hold. "I'd rather die than be your servant."_

_Thanos smiled. "We can change that."_

_His fingers closed around Loki's head and he screamed in agony._

  
Loki woke up in cold sweat, panting. He sat up, trying to calm his breathing and looked around _._

He stared at his hands as he tried to shake the memory of that all consuming, white hot pain out of his head.

His heart was beating fast, and he wanted nothing more, than to be with his brother.

(He was the one who comforted him after his nightmares when they were young, amd Loki knew it was childish and pathetic, but he seeked comfort now more than ever in his life.)

But Thor was away, so he closed his eyes, trying to remain calm, and not spiral into yet another 'panic attack' or whatever that voice called it.

It was late at night and he couldn't go back to sleep. He stood up and made his way down the hall towards the elevator.

He stepped in, pressed the button waited. The doors opened, they revealed the kitchen and standing in it was a very awake Tony Stark.

They locked eyes in the dark room, and Loki paused. He couldn't exactly go back now, could he?

He hesitantly walked over to the kitchen table, and took a seat next the genius.

Tony stared at him for a second, then continued to pour himself another drink. "You want one?"

"I suppose. It didn't end well the last time I declined."

Tony let out a surprised laugh. Loki smiled at that.

"Can't sleep?" Tony sat down as he passed Loki a glass of some kind of alcohol.

Loki shook his head. "You?"

Tony looked at the liquid through the glass. There was a faint light coming from the windows; New York wasn't sleeping either. "Nightmares are a bitch."

Loki raised his eyebrows. "Indeed." He drowned the drink in one and felt his throat burned.

Tony's eyes widened. "Woah, slow down there. That's pretty strong."

Loki looked at him. "Is it?"

"Of course, my bad, you're asgardian" Tony said.

Loki chuckled humourlessly. "If only" he mumbled under his breath, but it was loud enough for Tony to hear and look at him confused. He mentally slapped himself for saying that.

"What do you mean?"

Loki looked down. "Nothing." He pushed himself up. "Good night."

"Okay, touched a sour spot there. You don't have to tell me, but you aren't _nearly_ drunk enough to leave."

Loki stared at him and sat back down as Tony refilled his glass.

  
...

  
Natasha slipped into the living room, her steps so soft, she couldn't even hear them.

She stared out the window. The 6 am New York was always her favourite New York.

The rising sun shone through a layer of pink and orange clouds, a pretty ray of light reflecting on the glasses left around the place.

She heard a slight snoring from Tony's couch. Stark has drowned himself in alcohol again — she tought to herself.

She stepped closer, to look over the couch, so she could see him.

There Stark was, sleeping on the floor, a glass still in his hand. And on the couch Loki slept peacefully.

Natasha couldn't help herself but chuckle. These idiots seemed to have found each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endgame broke me 3000
> 
>  
> 
> I hope this was okay?? I'm trying my best to further the plot with every scene,, but I just,,,,,can't resist,,,, the angst.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway write a comment or leave a kudos, they warm my heart and give me inspiration.


	3. i pushed a lot back but i can't forget it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Loki meets someone he might just tolerate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, but I have good news! I finally figured out the plot of this fic so that might help with my writing.
> 
> Also I feel like this is moving too fast, is it moving too fast? Let me know.
> 
> Nothing major really happens in this chapter, but it is important for the sake of the story, so bear with me.
> 
> ALSO my first language is NOT english, so feel free to correct me if I make any mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

 

 

Loki opened his eyes, and closed them again.

 

Everything was way too bright. He blinked a few times, and tried to sit up, but fell back down as sharp pain shot trough his head.

 

He opened his eyes, this time keeping them open, to look at his soroundings. He certainly wasn't in his room. Something warm and comforting brushed against his skin. He looked down to see a white blanket over his body.

 

He looked around, the harsh sunlight stabbing at his eyes. He was in the Stark Tower's living room.

 

He felt a dull, throbbing ache behind his forehead.

 

"It's called a hangover."

 

Loki jumped, and turned to see Tony Stark, holding a glass of something in his hand.

 

"You drank like 76 shots, so.." He gestured for Loki to take the drink.

 

Loki made a disgusted face. "What is that?"

 

"My old man's cure. I have no idea if it works, never tried it, but it sure is disgusting. And that's the best you're going to get from me. Drink up!"

 

Loki shot him a glare. "I'd rather not, but thank you."

 

Loki heard the elevator ding and he covered his ears and shut his eyes at the sudden noise.

 

"Oh, Jake, you're here!" Stark exclaimed and Loki slowly opened his eyes and lowered his hands.

 

There was a brown haired young adult walking towards them.

 

"Yeah it went well! They said that you should—" The boy stopped, as he looked at Loki and his eyes widened. "What—"

 

"Oh, him! Right." Tony dragged Loki up from the couch.

 

"Don't touch me mortal." Loki muttered, sounding nowhere as intimidating as he intended to.

 

The ground swayed under his feet and he had to lean on the edge of the sofa to keep himself upright.

 

"This is Loki." Tony introduced him. "Loki, this is Jake, my intern, you've been sleeping in his room.

 

The boy nodded politely, then as a sudden wave if realisation visibly washed over him, his mouth fell agape. He looked at Stark. "Mr. Stark, are you telling me that a literal god slept in my bed?"

 

Well, that certianly wasn't the reaction Loki had expected. He smirked, amused as Tony rolled his eyes.

 

"That brings me to another thing, Loki, your room's finished."

 

...

 

"Clint, I think you're overreacting." Natasha said, playing with the straw in her iced coffee. "Tony and Loki had a few drinks together, they're not plotting some evil plan."

 

Clint dropped down on the seat next to her. "I hate when you do that."

 

"Do what?"

 

"Twist my words and make me look stupid. Listen" Clint looked her in the eye "I'm just saying, that Loki is controlling Tony—"

 

Natasha cut him off. "He doesn't have his magic."

 

Clint hit the table with his fist. "I know. I mean, he-he made Tony believe he's a good guy or something. You know how good he is in lying and manipulation! Have you seen the room he made for him? He spent a crap ton of time on it and for who? A supervillain. He must have, he—"

 

Natasha put a hand on Clint's shoulder. "Clint. I think you should get some rest."

 

Clint looked at him, with a hurt expression on his face. "You don't get it."

 

The taste of bitter coffee in her mouth was much like his expression.

 

"I do" Natasha said softly. "And I know you don't want to admit it, but it's clear that you aren't over the whole mind control thing."

 

Clint clenched his jaw. "But I am, Nat! Loki is still a bad person, and should be locked up in a cage like an animal, he doesn't deserve even a minute of Stark's time! He's evil, and I know he's planning something, another attack on New York or—" Clint shook his head, not wanting to finish his sentence.

 

Nat bit her lower lip.

 

"Clint" She looked at him, concern reflecting in her blue eyes. "I hate him for what he did to you. But right now, you sound like a conspiracy theorist. I think the guy's just happy he's not dead."

 

Clint pursed his lips. "Whatever." He whispered. "You'll see."

 

Natasha stared at him as he pushed himself up from his seat and turned his back on her.

 

 

...

 

Tony opened the black door with a smile. "Ta-damm!"

 

He stepped into the room and the god's eyes beside him widened.

 

Tony smirked. "You like it?"

 

Loki hesitated for a moment, perplexed by the sight. He licked his lips, as if he wanted to say something, but he nodded instead.

 

"I was really hoping I would catch your _'emo but with class'_ style."

 

Loki raised his eyebrows. "My what?"

 

He shrugged. "I don't know. Didn't even know that style existed before I met you."

 

Loki looked around the room, a small smile on his face. He eyed the paintings on the wall. They were mainly of rainy streets with dark colours, amd although it wasn't Tony's style, even he liked them with the dirty green walls.

 

The room was bright, because of the big window that gave perfect view of New York city.

 

Loki's eyes wandered to the large bookshelf.

 

"Thor told me you liked books so.." Tony explained.

 

Loki looked at him. "That's true, I suppose."

 

Tony smiled tightly. "Cool."

 

An awkward silence settled in between the two of them.

 

"You shouldn't have done all this." Loki said finally.

 

Tony raised his eyebrows. "Oh well _you_ shouldn't have done a lot of things and yet here we are—"

 

Loki cut him off. "I'm trying to say thank you."

 

Tony's eyes widened in shock. He never thought he would hear those words leave Loki's mouth. Then he tilted his head and offered the god a small but genuine smile. "You're welcome."

 

...

 

Jake walked down the hall with a satisfied smile on his face. Experimenting and helping Dr. Banner was one of his favourite things about his internship.

 

But he really just wanted to sleep now.

 

He opened the door to his room. There was a figure, dressed in black, staring out his window and Jake jumped.

 

The person turned around, and he sighed in relief. "Oh, it's just you."

 

"My apologies for frightening you." Liki said, glancing at the books in his arms. "I just left some of my belongings here."

 

Jake smiled. "It's okay. Oh, don't leave this here!" Jake picked up the book that was laying on the ground. It was an interesting one, Loki's brother, Thor was in it.

 

Loki looked at the book, then as he saw its title, he swallowed. "That isn't mine."

 

Jake tilted his head. "Well I know, but you seemed to be reading it, and if you aren't finished then you can borrow it! Actually, you can borrow any of my books if you want."

 

He smiled and Loki hesitantly took the book from his hands. "Thank you.." Loki paused.

 

"It's Jake."

 

He laughed. He wasn't exactly surprised that Loki didn't remember his name, considering the state he was in just that morning, he was surprised he could even stand.

 

"I'm Loki."

 

"I know. Dude, you were on the news few weeks ago."

 

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Loki's expression isntantly dropped.

 

"No, I mean, I didn't mean it like that." Jake corrected himself quickly. "Well I mean that was an asshole thing to do — God, I'm just making things worse — but everyone here has done messed up stuff. If I would judge people before I met them I definitely wouldn't be working here." Hake laughed awkwardly.

 

Loki actually pulled a half smile. "You really should sonetimes."

 

Jake shrugged. "Maybe."

 

...

 

"Hi." 

 

Loki shot his head up at the unexpected voice coming from behind him. 

"That's two times you've snuck up on me, Agent Romanoff."

 

He closed his book and turned around to see Natasha Romanoff, standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

 

Natasha offered him a cold smile. "It's really not that hard."

 

Loki bit the inside of his cheek.

 

"Anyway" Natasha said "we're watching a movie."

 

Loki raised his eyebrows. "And?"

 

"Thought you might want to join us." Natasha shrugged, her face blank.

 

He scoffed and shot her a rather condescending look. Just three weeks ago, the same woman was standing in front of him, and although they were separated by a layer of unbreakable glass, she was shaking with pure horror written on her face. Trembling as he worded how he had planned to kill her, and flinched at every mention of Barton's name.

 

He wished he could say that three weeks ago he was a very different man too, but looking in the mirror, he saw no difference.

 

He looked at his reflection every morning, and saw the same sinner, disguised as a saint, his black hair and fair skin making his red eyes brim with tears of desperation and hatred.

 

Hate towards the person he became and the monster he always was.

 

He looked into Natasha's blue eyes once again, realising how long there's been a silence between them.

 

"How come?"

 

Natasha chuckled silently to herself. "The kid wants you there — God knows why."

 

Loki narrowed his eyes "'The kid'?"

 

"Jake."

 

 

...

 

 

 

Loki stepped into the living room and looked around. The Avengers were all laughing, sitting on the sofa, making jokes that Loki wouldn't understand.

 

The heat coming from the modern fireplace was making him feel colder with every sharp breath he took. He looked down as Tony doubled over in laughter.

 

He suddenly felt really nostalgic, and not the kind of nostalgic that made you feel like you were in your golden days for a split second again, the smell of spring and happiness in the air, no.

 

It was the kind of nostalgic feeling that made you feel the same utter loss and loneliness as the time you watched your brother laugh with his friends, poke fun at you, as their eyes brim with tears from laughter, and you just stand there defeated, and you feel like your knees are giving up and you might as well fall down because you can't breath from the lump in your throat anyway.

 

He felt his throat close the same way, and a deep, bitter ache in his heart.

 

He hesitated, biting his lips. He really felt like an outsider in that moment, like he was a burden, and he was a burden and now he's here, in the middle of a personal moment of theirs. Noone wanted him there. He should have gotten used to that, because noone ever wanted Loki.

 

_(( Odin's hands tightened on his gold scepter._

 

_"But, Father! It was all my idea, Loki had nothing to do with this, I swear—"_

 

_"Enough!" The king's loud words echoed through the chamber and Loki flinched. "You may go" Odin looked down at his first born. Thor glanced at Loki, who nodded, as a wordless sign of forgiveness._

 

_He wanted to say 'please, don't go, don't leave me here with him', but that was weakness and no son of Odin could show weakness._

 

_Odin's eyes shone with disappointment and he shook his head slightly, as Thor closed the door behind himself._

 

_"Father, they told me that—"_

 

_Odin raised his hand. "Always shifting the blame, always twisting words, Loki."_

 

_"I swear I would never hurt someone on purpose, I thought that—"_

 

_"Stop lying to me!"_

 

_"I'm_ not _lying" Loki felt his eyes well up with tears._

 

_Odin sighed and the next thing Loki felt was pure agony._

 

 

_The next day, when he walked to breakfast with dark, sunken eyes, limping, he saw Thor's friends laughing behind his back._

 

_He met Thor's worried eyes for a short moment, but a second later his brother joined the Warriors Three and Sif's laughter._

 

_Loki tossed his food aside, his heart wrenching.)))_

 

"Loki?"

 

Loki's head shot up and he suddenly became painfully aware of his surroundings.

 

Jake and everyone else was staring at him. "You okay?"

 

Loki couldn't bring himself to answer aloud so he just nodded. He silently walked over to the couch and sat down next to Jake.

 

"So, what are we watching?" Natasha asked, taking a seat beside Clint on the couch.

 

Tony smiled and held up a DVD with the words 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' written on them. "We're catching up Steve on the last 60 years of pop culture."

 

"I love that movie!" Jake exclaimed. "It's iconic."

 

"You're not _allowed_ to love it" Tony raised his hand jokingly. "You weren't even born when it came out."

 

"It's not my fault that I'm not 60 like you." Jake answered, trying to hide a smile.

 

"Hey, I'm not the old man in here, it's Rogers." Tony protested.

 

"You know" Natasha took a sip of her drink as Steve shook his head. "Steve isn't the oldest one here now."

 

Tony tilted his head, then his mouth fell open dramatically with realisation. "This is an end of an era. Loki, you're the the resident old man in the tower now. Steve, hand in your badge."

 

"I don't have a badge!"

 

Jake laughed, then looked at Loki. "How old are you anyway?"

 

Suddenly all eyes focused on him, and Loki swallowed thickly. "Uh, I don't know, about 1131." He shrugged, looking down at his hands.

 

"Huh, Mr Stark, that's about your age too, right?" Jake asked, and Tony placed a hand on his heart with a fake hurt expression.

 

"Ouch" he turned to Loki. "What does that mean, in human years?"

 

"These are human years" Loki deadpanned. "It doesn't work like that. But I have lived down as much of my lifespan as about a human 19 year old."

 

"Huh." Tony took a sip out if his drink. "You don't look 19."

 

Loki clenched his hands in annoyance. "I am not 19!"

 

"But your body progresses the same way a human's does, just slower. So your body is 19 year old's, right?" Jake asked, raising his eyebrows at him.

 

Loki hummed. He hadn't thought about it like that. "I guess that's true."

 

"You still don't look 19."

 

Loki didn't know how to answer to that. He used to. He remembered, he did, not even 4 years ago. He felt like a teenager too, playing, hunting, laughing with his brother, and he had a supporting mother by his side.

 

The lack of their presence sometimes scared Loki, still.

 

Loki didn't know when it happened. At what point did he snap, when did his face crumble in desperation, when did his eyes flash with pure anger, and stayed that way? Was it when he discovered who — what he was? Was it when he let go? Was it when Thanos looked him in the eyes and said that noone is unbreakable? Was it when he said _yes_?

 

Maybe he'll never know.

 

Loki decided not to voice his thoughts and smirked. "You do look 50."

 

"Hey! Only Jake is allowed to say that." Tony said.

 

Steve laughed and smiled at Tony smugly. "See, Tony? That's how it feels."

 

Loki for the first time in years laughed out loud genuinely.

 

"Okay fine, just.. play the movie."

 

He didn't feel Clint Barton's eyes on the back of his head.

 

...

 

Clint was aware how ridiculous he looked. He didn't care though, no one would see him anyway.

 

It really was uncomfortable, being squished up in the vents. But he was doing it for a good reason! There was something going on with Loki, he was hiding something, he was sure.

 

He somehow manipulated Tony into drinking with him, and now on movie night he laughed with the rest of the team, like he was part of it. The worst of all, they laughed with him.

 

Natasha would say that he's crazy, but this was not a witch hunt. Loki was up to something, he knew

 

This was not about the mind control thing, _Nat, get out of my head_! It wasn't, he was over it, just like he was over how he shot that agent, and that his arrow went right through his heart and he couldn't even have last words, he couldn't say goodbye to his family, because he killed him, and so many other people with—

 

Anyway. This wasn't about him, this was about Loki.

 

Who was..

 

Reading a book?

 

Clint looked at the cover of the book the god was reading.

 

A book..

 

About astrology?

 

An evil book?

 

Evil Astrology?

 

Why would Loki be intrested in something like that, something so human as sciences? Didn't he loathe all other planets anyway? Why would he learn about them? Didn't he think that they were made for slavery?

 

Maybe that was his plan! He wanted to invade other planets.

 

He has to report this to the Avengers, tha captain would believe him—

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud cough. And another.

 

Clint looked down and saw Loki, putting a hand on his throath, and wheezing out a breath before another coughing fit, standing up, then collapsing instantly.

 

Clint held his breath, not knowing what to do. Loki might suffocate and he could do nothing about it.

 

Then all of a sudden the coughing stopped. 

 

Clint looked down again, Loki was still on his knees, staring at the red liquid all over his hand.

 

Blood?

 

 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, kudos, bookmarks but especially comments are very much appreciated!
> 
> Follow me on insta, i make edits!! @trickstxrs is my username. :)


	4. Some Part Of Me Feels A Little Bit Naked And Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> loki is trying to find a cure or smth :( but he's overworking himself :( everybody's sad and stressed :( but what's new, eh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait. When I tell you this was the busiest month of my entire life, I'm not exaggerating. I graduated, I had my first real project with editing which I was SO stressed about, but it went so well!! Anyway, without further ado, here it is.

  
Loki rubbed his bloody hands on his leather coat. He got up from his knees, still out of breath, looking around the room. The hairs on his back stood up. A voice in the back of his head told him that someone was watching him, but he waved it off.

It seemed not only his body, but his mind, too, was wrecked.

He waited until his vision cleared out, burying his face in his hands, nails digging into the broken skin above his eyebrows, giving him a faint taste of reality he very much craved as the pain embraced him. Cold blood trickled  down his face.

He inhaled sharply then picked up a book resting on his nightstand, his shaking hands knocking over a glass. Loki covered his ears as the glass met the floor and shattered.

He slowly lowered his hands, looking around if someone heard it. No sound came in response, so he sighed in relief, assuming that no one did.

The book had an old, brown leather as its cover, to protect all the valuable knowledge in it. Loki blowed the grey layer of dirt off it, the small particles were hovering in the air in no time. With the sunlight reflecting on them, it almost looked magical, one would think the small particles were made of gold if they didn't look close enough.

Loki smiled a little as he slid his fingers across the book's spine, remembering the time he last used it, Frigga was teaching him the ancient art of magic, and this book was practically his best friend. Well, only friend.

He attached his own notes to every page, stayed up all night reading about certain tricks and practiced them until he knew them in and out. He figured out his own shortcuts and loopholes, tricking the tricks like a real trickster should.

He hadn't touched the book in years, not since, well..

Since he fell.

And now, the absence of his magic was _literally_ killing him, or at least that's what he suspected.

This — the coughing up blood thing, the coldness in his lungs and the feeling of complete exhaustion all the time — started when his magic was taken away from him. And it was just getting worse and worse, and harder to hide.

Well, ' _taken away_ ' was a light term, it was making it sound like Loki was a child, who's favourite toy was snatched from his hands. But it wasn't like that, at all. It was torn out of him, dragging a part of his very being out of his body, until there was none left, until he wasn't himself anymore, until he pleaded to _please don't take it away, he can't live without it, please_.

He shoved his thoughts away and opened the book. He needed to find out what was the cause of this, or rather, prove himself wrong, because if he's right, there's no way in _Hel_ he could survive this.

...

 

Clint ran a hand trough his hair and buried his face in his palms, the cold sweat on his fingers meeting his eyebrows and he shook his head.

He tried to even out his breathing and placed a hand on his heart. He blinked. His eyes felt dry and the air felt like liquid around his skin. He felt like he was underwater, the ever growing pressure in his ears making him gasp out loud.

_'You look stressed. Spill, what's going on, Birdbrain?_ ' questioned Tony earlier.

He didn't know it was _that_ obvious that even the obnoxious and self centered Tony Stark could notice.

The thing is, he didn't know what— well, he knew what, he just didn't know why it stressed him out so much.

Maybe— maybe Loki was mind controlling him again.

Or he was going crazy.

Why would he feel _guilty_ over seeing what he saw, and not saying anything about it, when there was a real possibility that Loki was dying?

He tried to ignore it. He really tried, but every time Loki would miss a meal, every time someone knocked on his door and no answer came, guilt filled his heart more and more.

It was _Loki_ , it didn't matter, he deserves it anyway.

Natasha would be dissapointed in him. When he chose to recruit her she'd done things that were just as bad..

..but that was different.

He tried to tell himself that it was because Natasha wasn't _evil_ , she was pressured into killing, she was tortured and abused all her childhood she was raised like this, but..

Clint made a choice to get to know the person behind that stoic mask she kept on.

((It was a windy and therefore, _fucking cold_ night in Budapest. He was laying on the dirty roof of some fancy hotel, eyeing the redhead spy he was supposed to take down with his trusty bow in his hands.

_Natasha Romanoff, russian assassin_ , her file read. He's seen her work, she was brilliant at her job, quick and quiet and _very_ deadly.

Even if he felt sick to his stomach while having to watch her kill all those innocent men, without not being able to do anything.

Still, she could have been a real asset to S.H.I.E.L.D. if only she chose the right side to fight for.

Shame.

Clint tightened his grip on the arrow, trying to find just the perfect angle.

To shoot the assassin, who was currently sitting on her bed, staring at her bloody gun and..

Crying?

Clint lowered his weapon.))

In the end, as much as Clint didn't wanna admit it, the difference was him.

Loki _made him_ kill.

Loki made him _kill_ , and that was something Clint couldn't live with.

Loki made him kill.

He felt his breath hitch, and his hands started shaking again.

And that was why he didn't wanna help him.

Clint sighed, the cold air escaping his lungs shakily. He knew it was the right thing to do, but his knees trembled nevertheless. They felt unstable, but he had to do this right now, or he'll regret it.

His own words felt distant as his step's echoes gone silent completely. "Captain. I saw something you might want to know about."

  
...

 

"That suit did _nothing_ for your ass, Cap" Tony said and Steve raised his eyebrows.

Tony was showing Steve his new design for the war hero's suit. The old one's colors were disgustingly vibrant, in Tony's opinion and well, he didn't like it. It looked too much like his old one, the one he used to do his shows in, the shows Howard kept replaying over and over again, and drank until he passed out.

Just looking at it made him feel just as scared and helpless as the little kid, who was told that he's not good enough, he's useless, and that fucking Captain America would be ashamed of him, that he would _despise_ him.

Well, he was right.

"No one asked you to look" Steve shook his head, checking his new look out in the mirror. "I hope that's not why you redesigned my uniform, Tony."

"I can neither confirm nor deny that." Tony said, winking at Steve.

"Captain."

Tony and Steve both turned around, to face the source of the quiet but sharp voice.

"Yes?"

Clint lingered in the doorway, rubbing his eyes tiredly, opening his mouth, but closing it again. The archer's eyes were bloodshot and sunken, unfocused, and it looked like he hadn't slept in days, his eyebags in harsh contrast with his pale skin.

"I saw something, and I think you —" he took a deep breath, his voice strangled and weak "— might want to know about it."

Clint looked like he really needs to say something, but the words got stuck in his throat and his knees visibly trembled.

Tony instantly ran over to him and put an arm around his shoulders, to help him keep himself upright.

"Jesus Christ, Clint, you look like a ghost, Cap, help me-

Clint slapped Tony's hand off of him. "I'm not the one you should worry about right now " He breathed. "Loki, he-"

Tony saw something in Steve's eyes flash. "What?"

"I don't know.. I think he's- he's dying or something, I saw him coughing up blood a- like a week ago, and I think there's something wrong-" Clint sucked in a breath and didn't continue his sentence.

Tony's heart started beating faster, and he felt blood rush into his fingers.

"Okay, Captain, call Banner, I'll go and check on him" Tony said and Steve nodded.

"You want me to go with you?"

Tony picked his bracelets up from the counter without thinking.

"I can handle him, you take care of Clint." Tony said, already running through the door.

He heard Steve call after him. "I'm supposed to be the leader here, Tony."

He scoffed, just loud enough for the Captain to hear and ran through the hall, and took the stairs, two at a time.

He knocked twice on Loki's door. When he didn't answer, he tried to open the door, but it was locked. He kicked at it, as strong as he could manage without falling over and the door flung open with the sound of the plastic breaking as the metal lock parted from the frame of the door.

He mentally praised his younger self for thinking he wouldn't use this floor as much and it didn't need strong security. It was stupid, but it came in handy right now.

His heart stopped for a moment.

Loki was lying unconsciously on the ground, skin pale, eyes closed. Tony didn't know what to do for a moment as a strangled breath left his cold lips. His legs felt heavier an heavier with every second that passed while he stood there frozen. The guy looked dead, his long black hair covering part of his face, his lips looked dry and even whiter than the rest of his face. There was no rising or falling of his chest, no movement at all.

He forced himself to move and dropped down beside Loki, placing a hand on his neck. His skin was cold, God, it was _so_ cold, why was it so _cold_?

He let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding as he felt a slight thumping against his skin. His pulse was weak, but it was there.

He took a quick look around the room, his fingers still unconsciously gripping Loki's leather clothes.

There was an old book next to Loki's unmoving form. The text on it was handwritten, and in a language he couldn't understand. He did catch one word ' _seidr_ ', that one he knew what it was. Thor talked about it before. He was drunk, but Tony remembered that it was some kind of Asgardian magic.

There was also a smudged drop of dry blood on the page.

He looked back at Loki, but there was no visible injury anywhere on his body, although Tony didn't miss the deep red under his fingernails.

He felt the adrenalin drain from his veins and he sat down next to Loki and hugged his knees. The next few minutes felt like hours, sitting next to Loki, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.

When they finally did, they took Loki away (they needed Tony's and Bruce's help with it, Loki was _much_ heavier than he looked) to the medical wing.

...

' _I'm not that kind of Doctor_ ' is something Bruce Banner says at least once a day.

When Clint catches a cold and asks him if it's normal to feel like he's dying, or when Tony hurts his back and questions him with things like "when can I have sex again?", to which, again, the answer is a tired "I'm not that kind of Doctor, Tony."

  
So, he's used to his teammates asking him medical questions, he's pretty sure they only do it to annoy him anyway.

(Although he does know the answer to both of those questions. They don't need to know that.)

So, why he's the first person Steve calls when someone is presumably dying, and why he ends up being the one examining said presumably dying person, is beyond him.

Okay, he did know a lot of medical stuff, but there should be a _professional_ here.

And now he feels like he's deeply invaded Loki's privacy.

The God, who was sleeping on one of the medbay's beds, looked disturbingly different from when he was awake. With this blank expression on his face, all his wrinkles has smoothened out, and he looked so much younger.

Bruce really didn't know what to do, seeing Loki so vulnerable, Bruce knew all of this was way beyond anything Loki would have ever consented to.

Because he saw them. His scars. He saw the countless scars across his back and chest, he saw the burn marks all over his upper arm, and that's when Bruce stopped looking, because he couldn't anymore.

Just thinking about it left a could feeling in his chest and made him want to vomit.

Worst part of it was that most of them looked _new_ , like just a few years old. Which was even more concerning because Asgardians are supposed to heal faster than humans, so if Bruce had to guess, he would say that he got most of them about 6 months ago.

Which could mean a lot of things Bruce didn't wanna think about.

It just- It looked like- like someone-

He inhaled sharply.

"You okay, Brucie?"

Bruce just glanced at Tony and nodded in reaponse, barely acknowledging his question.

The genius decided to keep Bruce company, amd even though Bruce was way too lost in thought to show it, he was grateful. He liked Tony, although they just met, he was friendly and seemed to be comfortable with Bruce, which not many people could say about themselves, after his _accident_.

He couldn't blame them, really, but seeing how freely Tony would speak around him, and how his body language was always so _open_ and welcoming. He seemed to be not afraid at all, more intrested, made his heart smile a little.

He shook his head, trying to focus. "We should call Thor."

Tony pointed his index finger at him. "Good call, Doctor, but how?"

Bruce smiled. "I've always wanted to do this."

"Do what?" Tony asked, his frown saying 'I feel like I'm not in on the joke and I don't like it.'

"We should probably go outside for this."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you emjoyed!   
> As always, feedback is very much appreciated :)  
> Love!


	5. heavy medication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony said : What About My Consent?
> 
> (hope yall catch the reference)
> 
> Loki can't function because he's on Heavy Medication™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT,, but I'm back!! This is so short and basically a filler chapter, but hey! It's something!! Anyway, thank you to midnightsunsea on ig who made an illustration to my fic, it's AMAZING check it out!
> 
> Sorry for any grammar errors, english isn't my first language.

Tony had just about had it. Being swallowed by a rainbow and being spat out on another planet really wasn't any of his plans. Yet, here they were, on the bridge between worlds and space and time, and he felt like he just ate a cloud or something. His insides were swimming and his head was pounding and it hurt to _think_.

Somehow he managed to land on his feet, although his knees wavered and he was dangerously close to throwing up all over the shiny floor.

The scientist beside him wasn't so lucky, he ended up landing face-first into the ground

_Ouch_.

Tony went to help him up, but Bruce shook his head, and was up on his feet the next second. His excitement didn't seem to waver at all, and the veins on his neck were only slightly greener than usual.

Somebody cleared his throat and Tony jumped at the sudden noise. He looked up to see a tall man with orange eyes and pure gold armour, holding a huge sword just staring at them. Fist of all, creepy, second of all, that is very creepy, he would like to return home now, third of all, that armour was kind of fashionable, but still, _a flex._

"Midgardians."

"Uhh.." Tony blinked at him. "I'm Tony, and this is Bruce."

"You must be Heimdall, we're here to see Thor" Bruce said, just an inch away from jumping up and down and squeal from excitement.

"I am aware, this way, he's in the palace."

He pointed towards a pretty rainbow bridge with _no fucking rails_  and Tony was pretty sure it was made out of glass or something.

"I should've brought the suit" he sighed as the black void of _fucking_ space stared back at him from beneath his feet.

...

" _Friends!_ " they heard the loud echoing sound from inside the palace as the guard's spears parted and Tony and Bruce were let into the beautiful building, that looked like a giant organ (like, the musical instrument, _obviously_ ). The smiling god came into view, he was waving at them and Bruce couldn't help but chuckle at Thor's cheery expression, he looked like and excited puppy.

"Hi, Thor!" Bruce greeted, looking around the palace, truly amazed by the unique design and the gold everywhere.

"Hi, Point Break, good to see you!" Tony smiled, but his voice was still shaking. Who knew a man who flies on the daily could be so afraid of heights.

The God stepped closer and clapped Tony on the back. "Is everything alright with my brother, Stark?"

Tony's lips parted but no words came out of his mouth.

"That's actually why we are here" Bruce answered instead, and he was met with Thor's worried puppy eyes again. "We found him passed out in his room this morning and I examined him, and Thor, there's something very wrong with him, but i can't see any clear physical causes. I think maybe it's an Asgardian thing? We honestly don't know, but he needs help, as soon as possible" Bruce finished. Thor's cheerful expression had vanished, his eyes visibly darkened and he pursed his lips.

"I'll call my mother, wait here."

...

  
Loki woke up to darkness.

A different kind of darkness, no pitch black landscape this time, just the kind of lingering greyness behind his eyelids that he was all too familiar with.

He breathed out, mind too hazy and body too tired to open his eyes.  
The ringing in his ears seemed to finally fade away and he felt a soft fabric under his fingertips. He was holding onto something — strongly.

A blanket?

He carefully opened his eyes for just one second but had to shut them the next, due to the harsh light finding it's way into the room through the large window.

It wasn't dark now, his eyelids turned red and orange, warm colors dancing around his vision and Loki had the sudden urge to just groan, turn on his stomach and bury his face into the soft pillow supporting his head.

Where was he anyway? He couldn't remember how he got here, or why, for that matter, and everytime he tried his eyes threatened to pop out of his skull.

His mind was a complete blank, no coherent thoughts, just unanswered questions swimming in his head, but it was way quieter than it had ever been.

Not that he was complaining, the silence was calming, compared to the storm and thunder that would otherwise fill his mind at all times.

He touched his hand with his other one, and just out of curiosity, drived his fingernails into his forearm.

No pain.

He dug deeper.

Nothing. A slight tingling, but no pain.

"Woah there!" someone exclaimed suddenly. It felt uncomfortable not being able to tell which direction the voice was coming from, or who it belonged to.

He relaxed both of his hands, and opened his eyes for the second time — this time it felt less like someone stabbed him in the eyes — and he kept them open.

The first thing he noticed was a woman by his bedside, hair raven, eyes dark, expression kept strictly serious and professional. She seemed to be monitoring his vitals, scanning and changing the holograms every two seconds on the screen in front of her. The vibrant blue light of it made him look away.

The second thing he noticed was the white ceiling above him as he catched his breath, with the third thing being he was out of breath from turning his head sideways.

The forth thing he noticed was the owner of the voice he heard a minute ago, Jake sitting on an uncomfortable-looking plastic chair by himself just a few feet away from Loki's bed.

"What were you doing?"

"Nothin'" Loki answered and cringed at the choked sound he had just made.

"He's on heavy medication, he's not gonna be very responive" warned the lady.

Heavy medication? No medication made Loki feel like this on Asgard.

"Okay, _Helen_ , I know that!" Jake sighed, then turned back to Loki. "The Avengers gave me the task to watch you while they are gone, so I'm-"

" _No_ " The doctor, 'Helen' cut him off. "They gave _me_ the task, you're just an intern. Go and do your job, and let me do mine" she said, her voice calm, tone flat, not even taking her eyes off the holograms.

"Just because you're the oldest, it doesn't mean you're the only one who-"

Helen cut him off again. "Who got you this job?" she tilted his head, and Loki knew this tone, it was the voice of someone who just won an argument, and although no smirk was visible on her face, it could be definitely heard lurking in her voice.

Jake clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes. "I earned it" he straightened his back and exhaled, and she kept quiet this time. He looked back at Loki, biting his lower lip, suddenly very self aware.

Helen's watch beeped, and Loki flinched at the sudden sound. The doctor looked down at the small device, and after a long moment of staring, she turned around and walked out of the room without any explanation.

"Sorry, my sister can be... difficult" Jake said, rolling his eyes and Loki frowned.

This was so similar to something he would've said when he was younger that it almost made him laugh.

"I know" Jake waved his hand as if Loki had said something. "Our last names are different. I was adopted." Jake shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and Loki's eyebrows shot up in disbelief.

To be so carefree about something this serious — something Loki _threw himself into the void because_ — blew his mind. To not care that you've been _lied to_ , all your life, that they are your family, or that you're _loved_..

Jake saw Loki's confused expression and seemed to have took it as something else entirely, because he just nodded nonchalantly. "Yeah, I know, we look alike, everyone says that. The Cho's are really great people though" he added. "I was lucky they adopted me. Helen and my other siblings can be a pain in my ass, but they're great, I really love them. She's right, she got me this, uhh, paid internship thing, too. But I bet Thor's much cooler" Jake laughed.

Loki found himself smiling distantly, and he just couldn't bring himself to shake his head and spit something like _"he's not my brother_ " in the boy's face.

Stupid heavy medication.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!! I kinda really hate the first part, that's actually the main reason i got stuck, because i hated writing it. And yes I made Jake Helen Cho's brother because of Loki's character development. Kind of really stupid but that's my writing for you.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts, and stay tuned for updates!! <3 Don't forget to leave a kudos and a comment, they're the reason i look forward to updating :)


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